Sunday, December 12, 2010


Well, it has been awhile since my last entry, and a lot has happened.  Had to move out the the old farmhouse that my office was in due to a mold problem.  My boss had moved out in July, and was getting progressively worse, on oxygen almost 24/7.  He told me that the doctors figured he had no more than a year left, if he could stay 'healthy' meaning, not catching a cold or anything.   He was getting paranoid about going to doctors' offices and hospitals.  What better place to pick up something when your immune system is damaged!!

So October, I made the move home with file cabinet, computer, and questions about my future.

I totaled my PT cruiser Oct 4th  when a deer in mid leap decided to rain down on the hood.  It was a black morning, and I never saw here until she came down from the sky onto my car.  She died instantly, and so did my car.  It was hauled home to rest in the yard for a few days while the insurance company decided what to do with it.  The hood went back into the radiator, and smashed the battery as well, could not open the passenger front door until the adjuster got the hood opened with a pry bar.  The saddest thing is, I had JUST filled the gas tank, and had no way to siphon it out :-(

I realized later that day, that I had hit my head, and my back was sore.  I had a whiplash injury, a couple ribs out, and both shoulders tilted forward, with the right elbow and wrist having taken the brunt of impact because I braced for it, but things are better now.

 The insurance company totaled it out, and paid me for what they figured the value was, but I could not buy another one for the  money they paid for it.  I ended up getting an old Audi, it gets me from point a to point b as long as they aren't too far apart, and with winter coming, I won't be on the roads too much, so hopefully it will last me awhile.

Got the furnace in and running, it keeps the house pretty comfortable, but I have the chills almost constantly.  Have started taking vitamins D and B6, but will be picking up some Niacin as well.

Had surgery on my hand the Tuesday before Thanksgiving , for carpel tunnel.  Talked with my boss later that afternoon, that was the last I spoke to him.  He went into the hospice house the next day and passed away Thanksgiving morning. 
November of 2010 will be a long time in forgetting, I lost a brother on the second, and a very dear friend/boss on the 25th.  In typical Tom Shea fashion, if he could have pick the day he was going to die, it would have been a Holiday.  He was a very remarkable person, and as if anyone would ever forget him, those of us who knew him, will fondly remember him every Thanksgiving for years to come, and will lift a toast to him every year.
In talking with Mary, his wife, it brought back so many memories of when John passed, and I must say, I have been pretty depressed the past couple weeks.

Got the stitches out of my hand, and it is slowly getting better, but I know when I have done too much with it.

Still working from home, tho what I do has slightly changed.  I know we need an office, as there is no place really for the person who I work with from the head office, to be when he comes to Maine.  I just hope it is closer to Buckfield than the farmhouse was.  I hate traveling in the winter.  If my place were bigger, I would have it here, but the former hot tub room has no heat except for a small wood stove, it would make a nice 'summer' office, but not so good in the winter.

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of how much I miss John.   Everything is so empty, and I am so tired.  There is so much I miss.  His voice, his hugs, his love, all the little things he did.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

A Year has Passed - - - -

A year has passed- where did it go?  Some days it seems like he died yesterday, others it seems like a dream.   The tears don't come as often tho, but still when least expected.
I have learned a few things this past year, that make it a little bit easier coming to grips with being  alone.
I know his body (ashes) is here but his spirit is in Heaven.  I knew that 'absent from the body - present with the Lord' was true, but could not figure out why the 'Dead in Christ will rise first, then we who are alive and remaining will be caught up together---  I thought if they were there, they would be there when the rapture takes place, but the spirit will be reunited in the new body as it arises and we will meet again, together, in the air.   I will see John again, and spend eternity with him, praising our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ for eternity.

Someone asked me this last week, if I had given any thought to remarriage.  I answered that there will never be another John.  What I did not say is, I have loved John since we were seven, and I still love him.  I think I would probably 'compare' everyone to him, if remarriage entered the picture, and that would not be good.  I am lonely, but it is only temporary, and I need to remind myself of that.

I will say it isn't easy trying to live on one income with a large mortgage.  I am thankful I have my family near, and my daughter is a really good cook :-). She is so helpful in lots of ways.  May son does what he can, but working out of state, and only being home on weekend, I try not to have things for him to help me do every weekend.  There is so much that John did, that I can't do now, but am doing the best I can right now.

I am getting a small furnace, to go in the livingroom tomorrow, could not come up with the money to get one for the cellar, but the installer said he would trade for my hot tub, so I would rather be warm than wet.  Last winter, the gas heater just did not keep it warm enough, and used so much fuel, I will be forever getting it paid off.  I can see why they advise that after the loss of your spouse, that you do not make any big decisions alone the first year.  I jump onto the gas heater, and believed it when I was told how 'efficient' they are, well, maybe in a new home, but not my home.

At least I still have my job, and am fow full time, but then, 40-45 hrs a week is full time n'est pa?  The hard thing about my job now, is that my Boss, and dear friend, can not work in the office any more, and is working from home.  He has serious health issues, and not much time left.  He is like John was, in that he is going to work untill he can't anymore. That is going to be another loss that will be hard to take.

Well, I have been trying, FINALLY, to get the house organized more. I have finally decided it is just me, , Zoe, (the dog) Harlan and Wiggles (The cats) now, and I don't need so much S T U F F.  Had a yard sale last weekend, and took the leftovers to the swap shop at the dump, and may have more by the end of this month.   Someone else may be able to use what I don't need anymore.

I have the symptoms for carpel tunnel in the left hand, hope to know Tuesday, but it is harder to do things, and I don't have John to help.  That is taking some real adjustment.  We were going to take care of each other in sickness and health, Simetimes I think it wasnt fair that I got more nursing skills than he did. But , God knows what is best for us, and I will just trust Him to heal my hand, and get me through the process.

John, know that I miss you so much, and Love you Always.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

To be, or, not to be. Is that the question? Or is it a solution?

I have put in two very hard weeks at work.  My workload is increasing faster than I can keep up at times. With the audits, and new paperwork for the SQF program, plus regular stuff, some days I am overwhelmed.  
Then I stopped, and realized, I never took any time for me after John went Home with the Lord.
I spent that week, 5 days, cleaning out closets, packing up medical supplies, rearranging things, and crying, then right back to work 40 plus hrs a week, and have been steady at it ever since.
I feel like I am barely existing.  The money I earn pays for my gas to go back and forth to work, and church most Sunday's, pays my insurances on home, car, life, and mortgage. The rest pays for the washer and bed that I could not afford to buy outright, and food for my animals, and enough groceries for breakfast and lunch for most of the week, if I have a a ten spot left for the week, I am rich.   How I am ever going to pay off last winters heating bill, I haven't a clue, give up lunches I guess.

Thankfully my Daughter makes enough extra for supper so I eat with them almost every night. They live on the same property as I do, and she does take care of the light bill. That is a huge help.  I feel guilty tho when she asks me to go shopping with them, and buys me sneakers, or a few groceries.  It is NOT how I wanted my life to be, dependant on my kids. Or to be one of the 'working poor'.  I make too much to qualify for any help, but not enough to pay for necessities. I feel like I'm a zombie, sleep, wake, work, sleep, wake etc etc etc, never ending cycle.  Trapped.
If I could sell this place I would in a heartbeat, but only if it woud pay off the mortgage, and leave enough to find a decent place that we could move into.  But it isn't going to happen in this economy.

I  remember the days when we  were sending money to the kids when they were having a tough time, or even cleaning out the change jar so they would have money for something. It may not have been a lot but at least we tried to help them out when we could. And I still try to help, if I can.

 It was easier after John got sick, to cook for 5 than to cook for two, but I feel guilty when Sue cooks extra for me.

  The only thing I have is abundance is the tears that fall so quickly and so often, will they ever dry up?  If every tear was a penny, I would have enough to pay three years heating bills at least.  Maybe then I would be warm in the winter. hahaha

Why did it have to be you John, why us? How am I ever going to survive without you, AM I going to survive, or, do I even want to-------I am so discouraged, tired, and alone. Do I want to go thru another cold winter like this? Wondering if I should skip a mortgage payment to pay some on the heating bill, then try to catch that up, but with what? 

What is the answer?  Is there one? Where is the 'genie in the bottle' when you need it? The only thing  I see in a bottle is a temporary 'feel good' and that doesn't really work either.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


It's been awhile since I posted last.  Changes?  Well, not always for the better, it's like one step forward and two steps back.  I have learned one thing this month, actually two.
First, DO NOT get OVERTIRED!!.  It brings on the tears when least expected.  A week at work that was longer than usual, left me totally wiped, and I paid for it.  I still have not stopped the tears, but  it is getting longer inbetween sessions. 
And I thought it would be fun to play one of the games on Facebook, so I started 'ZooWorld', BIG mistake, it got so it was more work than fun and I felt like I was really getting addicted to it, so I am backing off from it.  I really would rather sit and knit at night, at least I have something to show for my time, and it is soothing.
But I did make a very special friend on Facebook, and she will be the recipient of some of my knitted dishcloths.  I think John would have liked her, but then, I probably would not have 'met' her if circumstances were different.
Amazing who God brings into our lives to make a difference.  From a friend who shares crafts, to those who swap cat stories, and even those who call you beautiful without even know what the physical appearence is.
It really is the 'little' things that can make a big difference, be it a word, picture or even a little four legged friend.
And on that note, it is late, and I am off to bed.  John, I love you, and miss you, but I will see you soon.P T L!!

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Changes - Well, I finally got my outside clothesline!!  After the purchase of a clothes dryer umpteen years ago, John never liked his clothes hung outside.  He figure he smelled enough 'fresh air' working outside all day.  Personally, I don't think you can overdose on fresh air, as long as it doesn't smell like a paper mill, hog farm or chicken farm  HAHAHA
Anyway, last weekend I filled the line, and when I crawled in between the fresh dried sheets that night, I had not slept so good for a long time!  And the roughness of a line dried towel, WOW.  Hung a load last nite before bed, and  more ready to hang now. 
The weekends are nice, sunny and warm, but the weekdays are rainy, at least half of them.  But things are growing, I have 4 tulips blossomed, two of them where they were never planted.  Must be John had thrown some out back when he cleaned the garden spot out years ago, and they just decided to show themselves.
Daniel started cleaning up the back yard during his school vacation.  I can see a pile of wood, everything from 2x4's to plywood, and piles of metal.  He was quite the busy boy.
Guess it is time for me to take pictures of the old tractor, and post it on Craig's list, and see if it will sell.
And get the land down back posted as well.  I keep putting it off, but guess it is time.  The girls would really like to be moved before winter, and I think it is a great idea.
I gave Johns favorite leather 'biker' jacket to a young man that works at the sister company across the road from my office.  It fit him like a glove, and I know that John would have wanted him to have it.  He was so honored to receive it.  He came up to my office yesterday, and told me tht he does a cancer walk for his Mom, who is a 5 year breast cancer survivor, and asked if he could also walk for John.  I'm the one who felt honored, that he wanted to do that.
Well, if changes are going to happen, I need to get off this computer and get busy, because they won't happen by themselves.
Changes, there have been so many of them in the past eight months, will more make it any easier?  or better?  Guess the only way to find out, is to make them.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Just Thinking

I had a bad night, stiff neck and aching shoulders, and awoke with an 'uncommon' for me, splitting headache.
Spent most of the day relaxing and sleeping, and the headache is a bit better.
But as I sit here at my computer, It is 7:29PM EST, and I am facing the east.  I love to watch the sunrise, and on cool mornings, see the fog rising off the stream that runs along the roadside at the foot of the hills across from mine.  Guess you could say we live on 'mountains' but when you are on one, and look to the other, it's more like a hill.  Anyway, in the past 20 minutes, I have seen the clouds roll over  starting with a dark grey and quickly contiue on to almost black, and I wonder what it must be like in Iceland, to see the sky darken with the clouds of ash from the volocano that has been erupting this week.
It is an ocean away, but how far can the ash travel?  Would a shift of the wind bring it here?  Why would anyone want to live near a known volcano?  Is it trust or foolish thinking that it would not erupt in their lifetime?
The earthquakes and volcanoes that have been breaking out the past few months, is it the earth protesting to how we have poluted it and tried to destroy it in the name of progress?  Or is it the sign of end times, when our Lord, Saviour and Maker is preparing to come for us, His children, and make for us a new heaven and new earth?
I know John is already Home with our Lord and Saviour, and the day is soon coming when all of us who have accepted Him into our hearts as Lord and Saviour, will also go Home to be with Him.  Wether we will be caught up to be with him, or die, we do not know, but the Bible tells us that we will not all die, but some will be 'caught up' to be with Him.  What a Glorious day the will be.
Meanwhile, I will continue to put my trust in Him, and try , with His grace, to live the way he would have me live.
That doesn't mean I don't hurt any less from the loss of my beloved husband, but it eases the pain some, knowing that I will see him again, and God has promised to give me strength to meet the trials.  He will not give me anything that I can not bear. I need to hold on to that promise.
Meanwhile, I will pray for the people in the path of the ash cloud, and all the surrounding area, that they will be safe, and that if they do not  know Christ as their personal Saviour, that maybe this time will bring them to that knowledge somehow.
How does this relate to my 'widows walk'? I am now able to start  thinking of others and the pain and fear they must be going through.  My heart is beginning to reach out from itself, and try to touch others.
Maybe someday, there will be someone that will know the song of my heart, and be able to sing it back to me when I have forgotten the words, until that time, I will continue to miss you John, my Love.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Spring is Arriving

The days are longer and warmer.  Spring was always a busy time.  We watched the progression of the leaves on the apple trees.  From green tip, to quarter inch, mouse ears, then tight cluster when you could see the starting of the blossoms.  
In the years past, John would have already sprayed copper, a fungicide, and oil, and possibly even a cover spray as fast as things are progressing.  He would have been spending long nights and longer days on a tractor.
He did miss that the first spring of his illness, but by the second spring, was glad he was no longer doing it.
He always said the if you put your hand in a full bucket of water, and then quickly pulled it out, the water would be rought for a short time, then it would calm and you would never know anything was missing.  That was what it was like when the fist of his job was pulled from his life, it was rough for a time, but he got used to it and calmed down.
Wonder when my "bucket' will calm down.
The lilacs are budded and growing.  The forsythia is blossoming, chives are about a foot high and taste really good.  My delphiniums are growing, and I see the red shoots of the peonies, But because they are still predicting some cold nights, I will wait another week anyway befor uncovering those.
Spring is not only bringing new growth, but old and new memories.  I still can't believe its over, that he is really gone.
Some days are better than others, and I think I have  my life figured out, or, that is, my 'single' life figured out, then I find something of his tucked away someplace I had forgotten, and I miss him all over, and am lost again.
Maybe I  need a change of  environment, but can I sell this place?  Where do I go? Will I get enough to pay the mortgage off.
I have even thought about working weekends, at least for the summer.  I have asked at one place if they will be hireing, so will wait to hear on that.  Who knows, someone has to win the megabucks, maybe me?  Guess it doesn't hurt to dream, but got to keep the reality formost, can't pay debts with a dream.
Oh well, a hundred years from now, I will probably look back on this time and laugh at how foolish I was at worrying about something that I could not control no matter what.  Maybe this is just a "drop in the bucket" of my life, the drop  that can either magnify everything around it, or if the sun hits it, can be a rainbow of color.
Guess I will try to look for the rainbow.
John, I miss  you and I still love you soooo much. ----------Until the next time------