A year has passed- where did it go? Some days it seems like he died yesterday, others it seems like a dream. The tears don't come as often tho, but still when least expected.
I have learned a few things this past year, that make it a little bit easier coming to grips with being alone.
I know his body (ashes) is here but his spirit is in Heaven. I knew that 'absent from the body - present with the Lord' was true, but could not figure out why the 'Dead in Christ will rise first, then we who are alive and remaining will be caught up together--- I thought if they were there, they would be there when the rapture takes place, but the spirit will be reunited in the new body as it arises and we will meet again, together, in the air. I will see John again, and spend eternity with him, praising our Saviour and Lord, Jesus Christ for eternity.
Someone asked me this last week, if I had given any thought to remarriage. I answered that there will never be another John. What I did not say is, I have loved John since we were seven, and I still love him. I think I would probably 'compare' everyone to him, if remarriage entered the picture, and that would not be good. I am lonely, but it is only temporary, and I need to remind myself of that.
I will say it isn't easy trying to live on one income with a large mortgage. I am thankful I have my family near, and my daughter is a really good cook :-). She is so helpful in lots of ways. May son does what he can, but working out of state, and only being home on weekend, I try not to have things for him to help me do every weekend. There is so much that John did, that I can't do now, but am doing the best I can right now.
I am getting a small furnace, to go in the livingroom tomorrow, could not come up with the money to get one for the cellar, but the installer said he would trade for my hot tub, so I would rather be warm than wet. Last winter, the gas heater just did not keep it warm enough, and used so much fuel, I will be forever getting it paid off. I can see why they advise that after the loss of your spouse, that you do not make any big decisions alone the first year. I jump onto the gas heater, and believed it when I was told how 'efficient' they are, well, maybe in a new home, but not my home.
At least I still have my job, and am fow full time, but then, 40-45 hrs a week is full time n'est pa? The hard thing about my job now, is that my Boss, and dear friend, can not work in the office any more, and is working from home. He has serious health issues, and not much time left. He is like John was, in that he is going to work untill he can't anymore. That is going to be another loss that will be hard to take.
Well, I have been trying, FINALLY, to get the house organized more. I have finally decided it is just me, , Zoe, (the dog) Harlan and Wiggles (The cats) now, and I don't need so much S T U F F. Had a yard sale last weekend, and took the leftovers to the swap shop at the dump, and may have more by the end of this month. Someone else may be able to use what I don't need anymore.
I have the symptoms for carpel tunnel in the left hand, hope to know Tuesday, but it is harder to do things, and I don't have John to help. That is taking some real adjustment. We were going to take care of each other in sickness and health, Simetimes I think it wasnt fair that I got more nursing skills than he did. But , God knows what is best for us, and I will just trust Him to heal my hand, and get me through the process.
John, know that I miss you so much, and Love you Always.