Saturday, July 10, 2010

To be, or, not to be. Is that the question? Or is it a solution?

I have put in two very hard weeks at work.  My workload is increasing faster than I can keep up at times. With the audits, and new paperwork for the SQF program, plus regular stuff, some days I am overwhelmed.  
Then I stopped, and realized, I never took any time for me after John went Home with the Lord.
I spent that week, 5 days, cleaning out closets, packing up medical supplies, rearranging things, and crying, then right back to work 40 plus hrs a week, and have been steady at it ever since.
I feel like I am barely existing.  The money I earn pays for my gas to go back and forth to work, and church most Sunday's, pays my insurances on home, car, life, and mortgage. The rest pays for the washer and bed that I could not afford to buy outright, and food for my animals, and enough groceries for breakfast and lunch for most of the week, if I have a a ten spot left for the week, I am rich.   How I am ever going to pay off last winters heating bill, I haven't a clue, give up lunches I guess.

Thankfully my Daughter makes enough extra for supper so I eat with them almost every night. They live on the same property as I do, and she does take care of the light bill. That is a huge help.  I feel guilty tho when she asks me to go shopping with them, and buys me sneakers, or a few groceries.  It is NOT how I wanted my life to be, dependant on my kids. Or to be one of the 'working poor'.  I make too much to qualify for any help, but not enough to pay for necessities. I feel like I'm a zombie, sleep, wake, work, sleep, wake etc etc etc, never ending cycle.  Trapped.
If I could sell this place I would in a heartbeat, but only if it woud pay off the mortgage, and leave enough to find a decent place that we could move into.  But it isn't going to happen in this economy.

I  remember the days when we  were sending money to the kids when they were having a tough time, or even cleaning out the change jar so they would have money for something. It may not have been a lot but at least we tried to help them out when we could. And I still try to help, if I can.

 It was easier after John got sick, to cook for 5 than to cook for two, but I feel guilty when Sue cooks extra for me.

  The only thing I have is abundance is the tears that fall so quickly and so often, will they ever dry up?  If every tear was a penny, I would have enough to pay three years heating bills at least.  Maybe then I would be warm in the winter. hahaha

Why did it have to be you John, why us? How am I ever going to survive without you, AM I going to survive, or, do I even want to-------I am so discouraged, tired, and alone. Do I want to go thru another cold winter like this? Wondering if I should skip a mortgage payment to pay some on the heating bill, then try to catch that up, but with what? 

What is the answer?  Is there one? Where is the 'genie in the bottle' when you need it? The only thing  I see in a bottle is a temporary 'feel good' and that doesn't really work either.

No comments:

Post a Comment