Spring is Arriving

The days are longer and warmer.  Spring was always a busy time.  We watched the progression of the leaves on the apple trees.  From green tip, to quarter inch, mouse ears, then tight cluster when you could see the starting of the blossoms.  
In the years past, John would have already sprayed copper, a fungicide, and oil, and possibly even a cover spray as fast as things are progressing.  He would have been spending long nights and longer days on a tractor.
He did miss that the first spring of his illness, but by the second spring, was glad he was no longer doing it.
He always said the if you put your hand in a full bucket of water, and then quickly pulled it out, the water would be rought for a short time, then it would calm and you would never know anything was missing.  That was what it was like when the fist of his job was pulled from his life, it was rough for a time, but he got used to it and calmed down.
Wonder when my "bucket' will calm down.
The lilacs are budded and growing.  The forsythia is blossoming, chives are about a foot high and taste really good.  My delphiniums are growing, and I see the red shoots of the peonies, But because they are still predicting some cold nights, I will wait another week anyway befor uncovering those.
Spring is not only bringing new growth, but old and new memories.  I still can't believe its over, that he is really gone.
Some days are better than others, and I think I have  my life figured out, or, that is, my 'single' life figured out, then I find something of his tucked away someplace I had forgotten, and I miss him all over, and am lost again.
Maybe I  need a change of  environment, but can I sell this place?  Where do I go? Will I get enough to pay the mortgage off.
I have even thought about working weekends, at least for the summer.  I have asked at one place if they will be hireing, so will wait to hear on that.  Who knows, someone has to win the megabucks, maybe me?  Guess it doesn't hurt to dream, but got to keep the reality formost, can't pay debts with a dream.
Oh well, a hundred years from now, I will probably look back on this time and laugh at how foolish I was at worrying about something that I could not control no matter what.  Maybe this is just a "drop in the bucket" of my life, the drop  that can either magnify everything around it, or if the sun hits it, can be a rainbow of color.
Guess I will try to look for the rainbow.
John, I miss  you and I still love you soooo much. ----------Until the next time------