Rainy Daze

It has been pouring the past two days.  Not only outside, but inside.  The tears are back full force, when I realized that 104 weeks ago this very day, John was in surgery.  Little did we really believe the verdict would be stage 4 stomach (signet cell) cancer, or that he would only have 17 months, 1 week to be with us.

Two years, an life is still turned upside down. The past- almost- seven months have been so hard. 
Seems like everything that can go wrong did, and the nights are sooo long and empty. 

 I feel like I am fighting to stay afloat, emotionally, physically and financially.

I know I am going to have to make some decisions pretty soon.  Do I try to keep the homestead, rent it, sell it or just walk away?   How long can I continue to work? Another ten years?  Not the way I feel now.

If you are reading this, and think you have a lot of years ahead of you, don't count on it.  But be prepared.  Have a good life insurance, one that will cover  your mortgage plus.  Don't count on your spouse being able to get social security right off.  If they work, they could go as much as 6-10 months without income just to be able to draw the "survivor' benefit.

If you are currently living on two incomes, try to become dependent on just one, and bank the other.
As the saying goes, hind sight is ALWAYS 20/20.  I sure know what that means now.

And learn to take care of your house, yard, laundry, cooking--whatever your spouse does, be it him or her, learn to do it too.  When you are alone, you will have to do it all.

As for finding someone else.  Cant even consider that now.  How can anyone mean as much to me as he did?    He was my love, my heart and my life, without him, I am so empty.

Some other widows have told me that it gets better, but does it?  Some have even found love again and married, and are happy, I don't know if I ever can be happy, truly happy again.

I just need to get through today, everyday.  Some todays are a little better than others, and the next few will be tough, but every day is a struggle.

I may seem ok on the outside to others, but I am so hurting on the inside, and there is no bandaid big enough to cover the hole that is left where my heart was.