Dreams and Tears

Today is a rainy, windy and cold dreary day.  But it started long before sunrise.  Last nigt was a night of dreams that seemed so real, I woke up in tears. 
John was with me, healthy and we were happy, he was holding me as we lay in bed, then he was being pulled away.  I remember begging him not to leave me again, but he just could not hold on, and then he was gone, and I awoke in tears.  It did not help to know that it was just a dream.  It made the pain of the loss come back full force just when I was beginning to make a little headway with my life.
I started sorting through my bookshelvestoday, keeping only the books that I now think I really want to read, and packing the rest in readiness for a yard sale this summer, and I came across the valentines card that I gave him last year, and the tears came again.  Don't they ever dry up?
I see him so clearly, and at odd times a vivid memory will come back, things we talked about while riding, plans we made, things we wanted to do, things we had done, but, I can't live in the past and it is so hard to go forward.
The weeks are all the same, go to work, come home from work, sleep, go to work,  try to keep it together on weekends, and then start all over again. It isn't "a life" not even '"living" it is just existing, and I want to do more then just exist, but how? 
How many times will my heart get ripped open again as it tries to heal? Will it ever heal? Will the tears ever really stop?  When will he be " a wonderful memory" and not a big hole in my life?