Remembering

This month has been a strange one.  The temperatures are warming, and we have had no snow. It seems more like we are going into April, rather than going into March. 

John would have loved to be out pruning this month.  He really liked shaping the trees, and could picture how they would look when the leaves came out, and how the sun would filter down through the branches.

He really loved what he did, and he did it well. He always said a day outside pruning, even in the bitter cold, was better than being in the packing room or even the cider room.  I think it was his chance to commune with the Creator and at the same time, feel like he was taking care of part of the creation.

I know that when he would come home from a day of working outside, he was a different person than when he came home from a day of working inside.  He was much more relaxed and at ease.

He would have loved to see the way the ice has jammed on the river over by 'Varney Corner', and even the way it is piling up when you get to the foot of Streaked Mtn in S Paris.  He would want to be checking it every week to see how it was moving and guess at how long it would take the chunks to melt.

The house now is so empty, I will never hear his breathing when he would be asleep in his chair, or his footstep coming into the house or the rasp of the razor when he shaved. Nor will I ever feel his arms around me, or hear him say "I love you dear"

Sometime I wish I could stop the memories so the tears would stop, but I really don't want to forget the time we had.  It sounds long in years, but seems so short when it is over and you are looking back.  We were going to do a little traveling when he retired. He wanted to take me out to meet some of the people I have come to know through my job in PA and Ohio, but now,the trip would not mean anything without him with me.  I do well to go to work, shopping and church now, I can't imaging going anywhere else alone.  Maybe in time.............. I miss having him in the car beside me, my hand on his knee as I drive.  We went a good many miles the last year and a half, when he felt up to it. I would take him on roads we had never been on, and we saw some pretty sights.  

Even now he would have liked to been riding, you can see things now that you don't notice in the summer, even on roads traveled every day.

John, I miss you, and I love you so much!!!   I don't want to do this alone, it is so hard knowing you are gone from my life for the rest of my days - -  Will my broken heart ever mend?